Parenting is a blessing

PARENTING 

A NUMBER OF YEARS ago a young mom came in to my office. She was

a single mother of three and she was thirty-three years old. When she

sat down and I had a good chance to look at her, I could see that Sarah

looked like she had been run over by a truck.

When I asked the young woman what had brought her in to see me,

she said,

“Dr. Phelan, I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

It’s horrible. I just lie there, pull the covers over my head, and

cringe.”

“Why don’t you want to get up?” I asked.

“The thought of getting my three kids up and ready for school is

horrible. It’s absolutely horrible!” she said. “They don’t cooperate,

they fight, they treat me like I’m invisible. I scream, I yell, I nag. The

whole thing is so upsetting that it ruins my day. I can’t concentrate at

work and I’m depressed. Then the next morning I have to do it all

over again.”

After asking Sarah more questions and doing a brief history of her

life, I asked if she’d like to learn 1-2-3 Magic. “I’ll do anything!” she

said.

Sarah meant what she said. I taught her 1-2-3 Magic. She went

home and told the kids things were going to be different. The kids

smirked and looked at her like she was nuts.

Over the next few weeks this young mother made believers out of her three children. She used counting for sibling rivalry and

disrespect. She used some of our “Start” behavior tactics for picking

up, homework, and—most importantly—getting up and out in the

morning. She also employed sympathetic listening and shared one-on-

one fun as bonding strategies.

Sarah was a trouper. As she revolutionized her home life, we

started spacing out our sessions since she didn’t need to come in as

often.

One day early in January, Sarah came in for her last visit. She no

longer looked like she’d been run over by a truck. As she sat down, I

asked her how things were going.

“Really well,

” she said.

“Well, that’s saying something,

” I pointed out,

“especially since

you just spent two weeks with your kids over Christmas vacation.”

“Yep, it went well,

” she said. “I’ve come a long way.”

Then she hesitated. “But you know something?” she added. “I

didn’t realize how far I’d come until after they went back to school

after Christmas vacation.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

A little teary, she paused, then said,

“I missed them for the first

time in my life.”

Parenting can be tough, and being a perfect parent is impossible, even if parenting influencers make it look easy.

So, what’s a dad to do when he can’t seem to tell the perfect dad joke or help with tough math homework?

Award-winning comedy writer Glenn Boozan has the answer in his new book, “There Are Dads Way Worse Than You: Unimpeachable Evidence of Your Excellence as a Father.”

This book follows the hit “There Are Moms Way Worse Than You.” This book reminds parents that what matters is trying your best and loving your kids.

There Are Dads Way Worse Than You highlights some of pop culture’s most infamous dads and their parenting failures.

Glenn Boozan, the author, is a WGA-winning and Emmy-nominated comedy writer. His work includes shows like Conan, Comedy Central’s Lights Out with David Spade, Sarah Silverman’s I Love You, America on Hulu, and TruTV’s Adam Ruins Everything.

There Are Dads Way Worse Than You is a fun reminder that even in the craziness of parenting, dads are doing just fine.

Whether you’re feeling unsure or just need a good laugh, this book shows that being a good dad is more about love and effort than perfection.

What do parents notice? Many are the terms they use: more temperamental, discontented, restless, grumpy, complaining, sensitive, argumentative, touchy, moody, grouchy, short-tempered, and sometimes explosive: “Tick…tick…tick, we never know when something’s going to set him off, and neither does he!”

Why might such a youthful change be so?

I believe they can be living around more developmental irritation because the young person is playing constant catch-up with growing physical, emotional, and social change she or he does not control. For example, each day begins with morning mirror misery, confronting the reflection of an awkward and unsatisfactory image of themselves that they must take to school for all to see, assuming others will be as critical as themselves, and sometimes are. Her self-complaint often rules: “I wish I could change how I look!

Absolving anger

Sometimes the young person wishes she or he could stop feeling angry but doesn’t know how to get “un-angry.” Parents can suggest 10 strategies:

Value anger’s objection: “Anger told me I should not have been treated this way.”

Talk hard feelings out: “Just confiding how I’m feeling badly can help me feel better.”

Set right what’s going wrong: “I pushed back against being pushed around and it stopped.”

Let grievances go: “What happened is over, and I don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Forgive injury: “I said I was hurt, they said they were sorry, and now that’s behind us.”

Reset positive expectations: “Just because things went wrong today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow,”

Focus on what’s going well: “Even though one friend dissed me today, others treated me OK.”

Refuse the temptation of resentment: “It’s easy to hold a grudge, but that just keeps me feeling unhappy.”

Be less judgmental about what happens: “Everything doesn’t have to go just right for me to feel OK.”

Treat anger as a good servant rather than a bad master: “Just because I feel angry doesn’t mean I have to act that way.”

Parents can help

Responding to adolescent anger with parental anger is not a good answer: “Stop acting so mad!” Rather than treating mad as “bad,” encouraging communication with empathetic listening can work better. How?

Understand that adolescent anger is usually a referred emotion that can be in response to a host of unhappy experiences. Adolescent anger can express grievance and feeling emotionally wounded in so many ways. For example, the young person can get angry over feeling embarrassed, shamed, misunderstood, mistreated, rejected, forbidden, forced, betrayed, insulted, disapproved, disappointed, blamed, ridiculed, teased, defeated, bullied, ignored, violated, attacked, or frustrated.

So, help the young person treat anger as a good emotional informant: "When you are becoming angry, that means you feel wronged about something that did or didn't happen. Anger can help identify your sense of violation." However, also caution about how anger can be a bad immediate advisor, provoking unwise impulses or aggression: "Losing your temper or striking back can make a hard situation worse." Because anger can be a good servant, but a bad master, feeling angry is always a good time to stop and think.

As the adolescent grows, life simply gets more complicated to manage. Anger announces that some sense of feeling wronged or some unwanted outcome has occurred. Better to think it out and talk it out than act it out.